Naseau. Fatigue. A constant need to pee. Yeah, yeah. We’ve all heard about the basic pregnancy symptoms. Whenever a woman pukes in a movie, we know exactly what that means. In reality, pregnancy symptoms aren’t limited to digestive issues. They not only vary wildly for every person, but they can also be different for every pregnancy. Here are some strange things that have happened to my body (and mind) while brewing my two kiddos.
Quick and Thick Rogue Hairs
People who know me know that I am a rather hirsute person. I’m no Frida Kahlo. I don’t have the confidence or the wardrobe to overcome society’s judgements, so I’ve been battling facial hair my whole post-pubescent life. This means that I know exactly where to look for the usual suspects. When my first pregnancy kicked in, it didn’t take long before I noticed thick, long hairs growing where they had never thrived before, right in the middle of my neck. These hormonally charged whiskers would pop up overnight and would be, I kid you not, one to two inches long and were thick enough to spot in the mirror from across my bathroom without my glasses on. That’s right, I’m not only hairy, I’m also short-sighted.
Nightmares
You know when you’re a little kid and you have a nightmare that’s so bad that you can’t move when you wake up in the middle of the night? When you’re afraid to go back to sleep because the dream might pick up again? I hadn’t had one of those dreams as an adult until my first pregnancy. My pregnancy nightmares were classic bad dreams full of witches and ghosts. I actually had to take a break from reading and watching anything scary, as I knew anything could prompt another midnight fright. That’s a pretty big sacrifice, on my part, as spooky is my bread and butter.
The dreams were only one of my pregnancy symptoms in my second trimester. By the third trimester, my only memorable bad dream was one in which my newborn baby opened its eyes and declared in an old lady’s voice that his name was Barbara.
Aversion to Alcohol
This might be a little controversial, but I don’t give up the drink when we try for babies. I feel like the expectation makes the whole process feel clinical. Instead, I took regular tests and resumed my occasional glasses of red wine after a negative result. Luckily, an aversion to alcohol has been one of my first pregnancy symptoms both times I’ve been pregnant. The first time, we were celebrating Thanksgiving alone at home due to COVID.
We opened a bottle of wine that we bought on our honeymoon, and after all that waiting, it just didn’t taste right. I ended up abandoning my glass. The next morning, I noticed the abandoned wine and started to think that maybe I ought to take another test just to be certain. Sure enough, when I returned from the drug store that afternoon and retreated into the bathroom, the faintest pink line showed up on the results window.
Something similar happened with my second. We were visiting Iowa on vacation. I opened a bottle of Bogul Cabernet Sauvignon, one of my inexpensive yet delicious go-tos. For the first time ever, it tasted off. I only drank one glass. I wondered if it was tainted. I also wondered if I could be pregnant, but I had just taken a negative test the day before. When you’ve been trying for about six months, you try not to overthink every symptom.
The next weekend, on the day after Halloween, I poured myself another glass of red from a box of wine that I knew to be fresh. When that tasted disgusting to me, I poured the glass into the sink and went to pee on a stick. I came out of the bathroom crying and immediately showed the results to my husband and son. Can someone explain to me how people can rein in their emotions and come up with those adorable pregnancy announcements that I see on social media? I’ve been a teary mess both times. Long story short, one of my consistent early pregnancy symptoms is a complete aversion to the taste of alcohol. How handy, right?
Crazy Leg Cramps While Sleeping
Okay, this has only been an issue with baby number two, but it’s pretty weird. This winter, when I was sleeping on my back, my feet would relax and point downward. This position would cause my calf muscles to cramp and shorten, shooting pain through my legs. Then I’d wake up and I’d be unable to move my feet back to a relaxed position. I’d be stuck in ballerina pose until I swung my feet to the floor and pressed the balls of my feet down until they were flat again. This issue doesn’t happen now that I’m too big to sleep on my back for any amount of time, but if it happens to you, know that staying hydrated and side sleeping can keep the problem at bay.
Schoolgirl Giggles
Okay, I know that mood swings are a famous pregnancy symptom, but no one ever talks about the giddiness that can happen when you’re pregnant! If my kid is talking potty humor and a joke lands just right, I will not be able to help myself. I’ll be giggling for way too long. In the meantime, I know that I’m affirming for him that the idea of pooping on someone’s head is comedic gold.
Likewise, when I was pregnant with my fledgling comedian, I once collapsed into giggles on a walk around the block because I suggested we call Roger some nonsense name. We’re talking Googoo Gaga nonsense. It was a bad joke. It was my joke. Yet, there I was, doubled over, just trying to get home without the neighbor’s calling the funny farm. The worst part is, when I thought about it that night, I laughed so hard at laughing so hard that my husband and I fell asleep a good half an hour later than our established bedtime.
Our Freakish Bodies
There’s nothing like pregnancy that highlights the fact that our bodies are super weird. We’re required to completely morph to produce a new human life. Then we morph back. In turn, that baby morphs. The toddler morphs into a big kid who then goes on to make potty jokes at the dinner table. It’s no wonder that pregnancy creates wild symptoms that no one can predict. Even the same person’s pregnancy, pregnant in the same season, with the same sex baby, won’t produce the same results.
My first pregnancy was spicy, full of Braxton Hix contractions, headaches, and weeks of false labor. This process has been chill. I have to waddle around if my hip joints get too stiff, and I can’t see my feet. Other than that, I feel like I’m still in my carefree second trimester. Then again, I had to monitor baby one with a heart doppler to make sure he was moving. This second kid has kicked the heck out of every one of my organs for the last five months. He’s only calming down now because he’s running out of room.
My point is… life is unpredictable. Pregnancy, even more so. I’m almost done with my big ballooning transformation, now. In fact, my due date is on Monday. So it might be a while before I post on here again. When I’m back, I’m sure I’ll have more insights into how strange and beautiful life is… and maybe a few baby photos as well. In the meantime, go stare at yourself real close in the mirror. Let yourself wonder about all the mysteries that are going on in that freakish body of yours. Because from the moment we’re conceived, we’re all a little freakish. It’s about time we celebrated that!
More From The Mind of Theresa Crozier
Are you expecting? Know someone who’s expecting? Check out my article about the calming rituals of my third trimester. I promise, I’m not going to pressure anyone into doing yoga. If you’re not on a parenting journey and you’re just here for support or curiosity, thanks for stopping in! If you’d like to support my creative process and indulge in your literary nerd side, check out my Etsy shop. Even a follow means a whole lot! All right, I’ll be back after I meet my second baby. See you on the other side, you lovely, freakish people!